is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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