good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
