In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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