he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
