i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
