i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
