Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
