Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
