Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
