He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
