but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my poor anus
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
