i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize