I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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