My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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