How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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