I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
