eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
