Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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