1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
