I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize