did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
