never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
