I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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