do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
