I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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