Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
