I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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