I am in a vortex of obligation.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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