he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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