Life is so much better after having sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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