some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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