My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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