Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
