sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We need to rekindle our bromance
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
