I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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