I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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