Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i drank out of a bidet.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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