Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
