I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
