my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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