so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
