I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
