I have demons in me.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
