I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
