I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
