i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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