If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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