I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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