if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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