It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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