I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
