Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
