I wish I could punch you in the face.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize