Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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