Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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