dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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