everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
