everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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