i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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