Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Who did Billy Mays play for?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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