I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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