I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
