Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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