I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
