I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize