I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
