Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
