He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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