Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
